Articles
Fancy Some Distant Relative
Aug 02 2005 by Zach
I'm sure you've experienced the horrifying gathering many would call the 'family reunion'. Naturally, the first people that'll try to strike up some sort of conversation with you is the distant relatives. You can always classify them as 'distant' depending on the type of questions they ask you. They normally get your age wrong, along with your grade (if you're in school), and tend to ask you how work/school is going. The tragic cycle just goes on and on. The only way to get out of it is to help out in the kitchen, or pretend someone is calling you.
Perhaps you are the distant relative everyone is dying to get away from. So please, stop being boring, ask some new questions. What's that you say? You don't know what to ask to break the ice? Need some tips and suggestions?
We're here to help.
Step One: Admitting you have zero originality
Before beginning with anything else, you need to first ask yourself these questions. Yes, I realize the irony of having you ask yourself generic questions (which I'll be presenting to you shortly), while at the same time trying to learn how to stop asking generic questions. Anyway, ask yourself these questions:
- Do I struggle to keep conversations going?
- When I'm talking, do people tend to fidget and/or twitch uncontrollably?
- Has anyone ever fallen asleep, or gnawed off their own limbs while chatting with me?
- Do people I'm talking to frequently get "called" away elsewhere?
- Are there numerous silent points in the conversation, only being filled with many "Uhh's, and ummm's"?
If you answered yes to any of the aforementioned questions, you need help. The next part is realizing you do have a problem that needs correcting. Once you get through that, you can proceed to step two.
Step Two: Forgetting the old questions
Now that you've come to the realization that you are boring to your distant family, we can start the process from the beginning. We're on the path to salvation my friend. You need to quickly forget the dull and repetitive questions you used to ask, to make room for the newer, more original and smoother questions.
Let's begin learning the question techniques! This task will be challenging, but in due time, it will greatly improve relationships with family. Sadly, chances are it'll improve your social skills too. How about learning some concepts that'll get you into interesting conversations in no time! Let's review the basics:
- present the questions in a dark, mysterious tone.
- Ask compromising questions.
- Make sure what you say makes the other person seem taken aback.
- Wink while asking the questions.
- Be sure that your questions always include some sort of crude humor.
But of course these are just the very basic requirements. Feel free to expand on them and mix 'N' match. As you noticed, body language is another form of involving yourself. That's exactly why you must wink and give inappropriate messages through body movements. It's fairly obvious what'll happen after you start completely following these tips (besides going to hell), you'll become a hit a family reunions! This'll be sure to get ole' aunt Lynn to start talking to you again.
You've now conquered denial, and been given the basic foundation for better questions. What now? Simple. You create your own unique set of questions you wish to ask other's from this point forward. I've created my own list of questions. Don't overwhelm yourself with too many questions or else you'll look like an idiot trying to remember what you made up.
- Been in prison lately?
- How's the affair goin'?
- So I hear you're gay. How's that been for you?
- How many grade's have you failed now?
- Your birthday is either coming up soon, or it's passed, right?
As you can tell, these question are highly different than your average, run of the mill, lack lustre questions. Be forewarned - I do not take responsibility for any question that was taken wrong by the family member. Now, I hope you get to have a great time trying out your new questions. Just...don't involve Anti-Joke in anyway.